Today I got fired as a wedding officiant.
Well, not exactly fired. But everyone agreed a new arrangement would be best.
Here's what happened. A month ago I received an e-mail from a couple asking if I might officiate at their wedding. This couple lives out of state, but they want to be married at the bride's family's cabin on Hood Canal. I allowed as to how I could do that if certain conditions were met -- as an Episcopal priest, I'm bound by the canons of the Episcopal church and the rites in the Book of Common Prayer.
In a phone call, I explained that one of the couple must be baptized. The bride said she was baptized and raised Episcopalian, but the groom was raised without a religious upbringing and considers himself non-religious. They met the other requirements of the canons and the Prayer Book.
So far, no problem. Last week they were in our area and they came to the church so we could get to know each other a bit. They're a delightful couple, highly intelligent and very gifted people. I gave them a Book of Common Prayer and we arranged to have a conference call to do the pre-marital work required by canon.
Here's the rub. Today when we talked on the phone, they allowed as to how they've had second thoughts about a wedding using the Book of Common Prayer. The groom felt that the explicitly Christian language of the wedding rite was simply too much. There's a good deal of flexibility in the wedding service, but at the minimum, the bride and groom must say, "In the Name of God, I (name) take you to be my (wife) (husband)..."
In the Name of God. That's pretty powerful language, and I can understand why the groom balked. If you don't believe in God, how can you stand there and say that? He was being true to his own values.
From my point of view, how could I officiate as an ordained Episcopal priest and allow anything less? We were at an impasse.
Fortunately, the couple was able to call upon a pastor who is an old friend, and being from a different denomination, he was able to be more flexible with the language of the wedding service. So we all agreed that it would be better for them to use their pastor friend.
I'm sorry we had to drop this wedding. I genuinely enjoyed working with this couple and I looked forward to officiating at their wedding. They were very appreciative of my willingness to work with them and very quite graceful about changing our arrangement.
What do you think? Is there any way for a non-religious person to be married with integrity using the Book of Common Prayer? Was I being too rigid? What should an Episcopal priest do?
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Perhaps it would have been wise to counsel the young lady about whether marrying a non-Christian is really what scripture teaches?
ReplyDeleteIn 1 Corinthians 7:16, Paul writes about mismatched couples: "Wife, for all you know, you might save your husband. Husband, for all you know, you might save your wife." So I don't see that scripture forbids marrying a non-Christian.
ReplyDeleteIn this case, they were going to get married regardless. It was only when they began reading the vows carefully that they realized the difficulty the Prayer Book language presented. By the way, both bride and groom are about 48 years old, so they've had time to come to their religious beliefs.
I think you did exactly what your heart dictated and that can never be a wrong thing to do. There are so many varieties of wedding officiants available nowadays--from traditional clergy to judicial officers, professional "anything goes" officiants and even friends of the couple who can obtain a one day dispensation to legally perform a ceremony.
ReplyDeleteThis variety offers couples the choice to have their marital commitment celebrated in whatever way they choose. For this particular couple, the laws of your religion didn't mesh with their ideal wedding ceremony. For another couple, it will. If you look at it from a business perspective, as opposed to a solely religious one, then you could state that marrying couples according to the principles of the Book of Common Prayer is your niche. Having a "specialty" makes you a perfect fit for some couples and not others.
And that's the way it's supposed to be!
Bill; very good point - yet do you think Paul might be talking about those who are already married at this point? At the time of Paul's writing, almost all in the church of Corinth would have come to faith as adults, many already married.
ReplyDeleteI had in mind passages like 2 Corinthians 6:14 etc Ephesians 6:4; not that they forbid such a marriage, but that they strongly suggest that a marriage between Christians is somewhat more preferable.
If even before the marriage takes place the groom is forbidding the bride from the normal parts of a Christian life, such as being married in a way approved of by the church to which she belongs - then I do worry that he may show similar resistance in the future to her attending weekly church services, baptising and catechising their children (if they have any), small group meetings, Bible studies, or sharing in the work of evangelism. Not that this is certain, nor that it is an insurmountable challenge - merely that it is something that I would suggest needs great caution and careful thought before proceeding.
After all, it is Christ himself who teaches us to place the love of Christ above our wives or husbands (Luke 14:26). It would be in line with historic church teaching to stress our sacrificial wish to serve God in with our whole lives as superseding our own desires and ambitions.
Lyssabeth,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments. I looked at your blog and website and I'm impressed how you offer such a wide variety of wedding ceremonies to couples. I suppose you're right...I offer a "niche" in the wedding market.
As an Episcopal priest, my calling is to connect people with God. One way people I do this is to help couples with their wedding ceremonies, when they stand before God and make promises to each other.
I guess you could say that I'm not in the wedding business, but I am in the God business.
Peace,
Bill
Vincent,
ReplyDeleteI see your point. Paul urged believers to live in the Lord, and this is more difficult when members of a family have different understandings about God.
But Paul didn't have a very optimistic view about marriage in general. He believed that the end was near - so why marry at all? He urged widows and single people to remain single, like him (1 Cor. 7:8). For those who just couldn't repress their sexual drive, he allowed them to marry, although he considered this an inferior arrangement. Not exactly a positive way of looking at marriage for couples today who want to share their lives together!
I think that 2 Cor. 6:14 is about personal holiness. Paul is urging the Corinthians to keep their faith pure and undiluted by pagan practices. Taken to an extreme, this would mean that we couldn't even speak to unbelievers. But our best witness is made when we rub elbows with those who haven't come to know Christ yet. How much more might the faithful witness of a spouse bring the other spouse closer to God? I've seen this happen.
With this particular couple, the groom had no objection to the bride practicing her faith...as long as he was free not to practice any faith. I do sort of wonder how this will work out in the long run. A benign tolerance from both sides? An agreement to look the other way on this issue? Maybe her faith will diminish over time. Or maybe he will grow in his respect for her faith. I don't know for sure, but I leave it in God's hands.
Peace,
Bill