Ready or not

Hi, all!

I'm not sure I'm quite ready for Christmas. This time of year is hectic, because there are so many things to do. Parties, presents, house guests, travel, decorations...and on and on. It's a wonderful time of year, but it seems like it's impossible to do everything we want.

I'm not sure I'm ready for Christmas Eve, either. The sermon is done, the bulletins are printed, the music is ready, people are scheduled...but am I ready? Am I spiritually ready to celebrate the birth of Christ?

The truth is, I'm not really ready. I'm still fussing with last minute details, things I forgot to do, things I'd like to do. But when I think about it, I probably never will be really ready. There's always something more to be done.

The good news is that God didn't wait for the world to be ready when he came as a child in a manger. God didn't wait until every heart prepared him room. He didn't wait until all the conditions were right. He came when he was needed, at just the right time.

This poem from Madeleine L'Engle reminds us to rejoice that God is coming whether we're ready or not. Wherever you are tonight, I wish you a holy night, the night of the Savior's birth.

First Coming
by Madeleine L'Engle

He did not wait till the world was ready,
till men and nations were at peace.
He came when the Heavens were unsteady,
and prisoners cried out for release.

He did not wait for the perfect time.
He came when the need was deep and great.
He dined with sinners in all their grime,
turned water into wine.

He did not wait till hearts were pure.
In joy he came to a tarnished world of sin and doubt.
To a world like ours, of anguished shame
he came, and his Light would not go out.

He came to a world which did not mesh,
to heal its tangles, shield its scorn.
In the mystery of the Word made Flesh
the Maker of the stars was born.

We cannot wait till the world is sane
to raise our songs with joyful voice,
for to share our grief, to touch our pain,
He came with Love: Rejoice! Rejoice!

Bill  

Happy Thanksgiving Day!

Hi, all!

Today is Thanksgiving Day, and our house has extra guests...our older son and his friend, our younger son and his girlfriend. As I sat in my chair saying my prayers this morning, I felt a sense of wholeness and warmth. We're all here together.

We'll have a big dinner this afternoon with all the trimmings, including non-gluten and vegetarian options, and afterwards we'll take a walk to work off some of those calories. I hope you and yours are also gathered to celebrate today, and I hope you'll take some time to reflect on the good things God has given you. Practice gratitude.

I'm especially thankful for those who labored to bring us our food, for those who stand by to protect us and keep our electricity on, for the good earth and the peaceful animals that gave us our food. God is generous.

As the General Thanksgiving says on p. 101 of the Prayer Book:
"We bless you for our creation, preservation, and all the blessings of this life; but above all for your immeasurable love in the redemption of the world by our Lord Jesus Christ, for the means of grace, and for the hope of glory."

Even though there's a warm glow around the image of Thanksgiving Day, I'm aware this morning of all those who don't find this a happy day: those whose families are absent or broken by strife, those who are alone or grieving lost ones, those who have to work even on a holiday (especially the early Black Friday), those who don't have a warm, dry home to shelter them, and Native Americans who may find this day a painful historical memory. This awareness keeps my gratitude humble.

Keeping all this in mind,
May God bless you this day with deep gratitude of the soul.
May you savor the food in your mouth and taste the goodness of God.
And may you sense the profound presence of those around you.

Bill

For all the Saints

Hi, all! This week I'm visiting my family in Colorado. I've been going through old photo albums at my mother's house, scanning some of the photos into the computer so I can have access to them online. As I leaf through those old albums, memories from years ago come rushing back. There are fading color photos from my childhood and old black-and-white photos from generations past. I peer at the faces of my ancestors and imagine what life was like for them. The photos are like little time machines. I think of how all these lives influenced my life directly or indirectly. These are the saints of my life, the ones who have made me who I am. I especially think of my dad who died in 1973. Yesterday I visited his grave at Ft. Lyon National Cemetery near here, and memories came flooding back. This Sunday we celebrate All Saints' Day (transferred from November 1), and we'll name those who are the saints in our lives. I've added my dad's name to the list, and even though I won't be at church, it's good to know his name will be lifted up. Who are the saints in your life? On All Saints' Day, it's a good time to remember those who have influenced us - parents, aunts and uncles, coaches, teachers, mentors, friends, and role models. We are part of a long procession of the saints of God, and all of us together make a long, joyous parade as we wind our way to heaven. Bill

Listening to the children

Hi, all!
Tomorrow is the Children's Eucharist at the 10:00 service. I'm looking forward to seeing our young people serving as ushers, greeters, Eucharistic Minister (Chelsea Reeder), and even preacher (Bonnie Foley)!

We have such wonderful young people in our church, and they bring such energy, optimism, and joy to all of us. I feel truly blessed to have them in our parish.
Tomorrow they will serve as ministers in worship, and we'll invite them to gather around the altar for the consecration of the bread and wine. They love this because they're near the holy mysteries. This way they can see and hear what's going on at the altar.
Children instinctively understand about God. It's natural for young children to ask about God, and it's natural for them to want to receive Communion. They "get it" that this is food from God, and we're God's family gathered around God's table.

When we have Children's Eucharist, they learn about God, and we learn about God through them. They teach us. As Jesus said, "Unless you become like a little child, you cannot enter the kingdom of God."
I'm looking forward to learning from them. I hope you are, too!
Bill

The gathering of the tribe

Hi, all!

I just got back from Diocesan Convention, held at the Lynnwood Convention Center in North Seattle. It was a well-run convention, and the business of the Diocese was duly attended to.

The part I like best about Convention is seeing friends from other parishes. Having been involved in the clergy association and various diocesan events, I've made friends throughout the diocese and I always enjoy seeing them.

I think of the diocesan convention as "the gathering of the tribe." In earlier days, Native American tribes were composed of family groups that might separate to travel widely during the year looking for good hunting and fishing. Then in the fall they'd come together for a time of sharing, eating, dancing, and contests of skill. Young people would look for mates, and old friends would remember times past.

That's what it feels like at diocesan convention. Our diocese is a tribe composed of many parishes and groups, and we usually do our ministries separately. But once a year we come together to re-connect and to share with each other.

I'm grateful for our delegates, Bill Demmon and Maggie Scott, and our alternates, Ken Stephens and Tovi Andrews, who took the time to attend convention, and I hope they got a feel for the depth and breadth of our diocese and enjoyed it as much as I did.

Bill  

Hi, all!

Columbus Day landed on Wednesday this week, and Bishop Greg asked us to reflect on the "Doctrine of Discovery". The doctrine of discovery was the policy of European nations to claim full ownership of the lands occupied by their settlers in the Americas. It was used to justify the removal and genocide of the people who already lived there, namely Native Americans.

I think most of us feel some regret about the treatment of Native Americans in our country. We recognize the tragic losses they suffered when European settlers came.

I have some family heritage on my mother's side in this matter. My great-grandfather, Thomas Lawrence Riggs, was a missionary to the Lakota (Sioux) people in South Dakota. In 1872 he established a mission near Pierre, and eventually founded a number of mission churches along the Missouri River, as well as an Indian boarding school.

One of the great tragedies of mission work among Native Americans was the requirement that their children move to church boarding schools, where they were forced to speak in English and they lost their culture and traditions. The church brought them the Gospel of Christ, but also forced western culture on them. The loss of native pride and identity brought a terrible social price: alcoholism, suicide, and disintegration.

My great-grandfather spoke the Lakota language with great fluency, and the family lore is that he was accepted by them as one of their own. The children in the Indian school were taught in the Lakota tongue until government policies forced the school to teach them in English. My great-grandfather devoted his whole life to the Lakota people, and he I'm sure he didn't intend to cause any harm. And yet, there were unintended consequences to the missionary work he did.

So I have some ambivalence about my family heritage in South Dakota. On the one hand, I'm proud of the work my great-grandfather did and the sacrifices he made. On the other hand, I wonder about those unintended consequences.

I'm planning to go to South Dakota in November to attend a workshop by the Episcopal Diocese of South Dakota on Lakota culture and history. I want to learn more about the Lakota people and the role of the church in their lives. Maybe I'll get a clearer picture of the role of missionaries in South Dakota and perhaps find a way I can contribute to the church work there. I wonder if there might be some way we as a parish might partner with a Native American congregation in South Dakota. Who knows?

Bill  

May the circle be unbroken

Hi, all!

I spent some time last week searching for the ghosts of my past. My grandmother's family on my father's side were plantation owners in Louisiana in the 1800's, and since I was in the area for my CREDO conference, I took an extra day to rent a car and drive to the site of the old plantation.

I've always been fascinated by this part of my family history. The Bowman family came down the Natchez Trace from South Carolina around 1810 and established Alphenia Plantation near Clayton, Louisiana. I've read about the plantation and always wanted to visit the site.

My brother, the family genealogist, sent me the Google Earth coordinates so I had no problem finding the site. No buildings exist, but there's a huge old oak tree and three ancient Indian mounds that mark the site of the old plantation. 

It was late afternoon when I parked the rental car in a recently harvested cotton field and climbed the mound nearest the Tensas River. Among the trees and brush I found the gravestones of Sarah Caroline Bowman and her four children, who died within a month of each other in a fever epidemic in 1852. I traced their names on a large marble base and a tall obelisk that had toppled to the ground. 

Standing there where my ancestors lived and died was a powerful experience for me. I said a prayer for those who had gone before me, remembering them to God. 

But I wasn't finished. I pushed through the brush and climbed the mound furthest from the river. This was the mound where the slaves of the plantation were buried. It's strange how the ghosts of the past haunt us today. Slavery was an evil institution, and its effects still linger today. 

As I stood there, I wondered what it was like for the slaves 160 years ago. I said a prayer for those who were buried there and for their descendants, and I asked God for forgiveness.

I don't know what difference it made that I visited the site of the old plantation. But it was something I needed to do for myself, and I realized as I walked back to the rental car that this place is sacred ground for me. In some sense, I feel I completed the circle. I'm glad I went.  

Bill   

Mississippi Cuisine

September 30, 2011
Hi, all!

I'm spending this week at an Episcopal conference center near Jackson, Mississippi. It's located in rural Mississippi surrounded by oak and pine forests and lush meadows. And yes, it's hot and muggy in the daytime -- although I have to admit the evenings have been quite pleasant.

The cooks at the conference center have served up some real southern cookin'. We've had grits, red beans and rice, turnip greens, gumbo, and fried catfish. Delicious, every bit.

The conference has focused on clergy well-being and renewal. The staff is a team of clergy and lay professionals including a financial planner, a spiritual director, a psychologist, and a career planner. The twenty five clergy attending the conference are from all over the country and all kinds of parishes. It's a pleasure to be with them.

We've had presentations on subjects like relationships, discernment, visioning, forgiveness, clergy identity and vocation. It's a little like going back to seminary for a week, but more practical. We've met in small groups where we've been able to share more personally, and we've been able to meet one on one with the staff members for consultations.

We've gathered daily for worship that has included morning prayer, Eucharist and a healing service. I was somewhat surprised to find that about half the participants gather before breakfast for a half hour of centering prayer and silence. Contemplative spirituality is now practiced by clergy throughout the church.

Best of all for me have been casual conversations and small group sessions where we've shared our experience as people of faith with a common calling. I've found these clergy to be healthy and lively people with wonderful gifts for ministry. It's a privilege to be here.

We've done a lot of personal reflection, and we're encouraged to make a CREDO plan that sets forth our plans for our personal and professional growth. I think I'll be a better priest for this experience, and I'm grateful for this time for reflection.

I'm looking forward to coming back and being with you in our life together, a life I love and value deeply.

Bill

Wholeness

Hi, all!

Last week I enjoyed a week of vacation in Bend, Oregon, with my family. We returned home Saturday and since Sunday was still a vacation day, Katy and I attended Grace Episcopal Church in Bainbridge Island for Holy Eucharist.

It's rare for me to be able to attend church and receive Communion, because I'm usually the one up front, leading worship, preaching, and celebrating the Eucharist, all of which I love to do. But sometimes it's good for me to be a receiver instead of a giver. It's good for me to sit in the pews, listen, pray, and to go to Communion and receive the bread and wine.

I find these times especially renewing, because I can soak it all up and simply be fed. But last Sunday was even more special for me because Katy was with me. There's something about sitting together in church that just feels right. There's a sense of wholeness for me. I'm in God's place and the most important person in my life is with me.

Katy and I rarely get to sit together, so this was special for us. I realize many people attend church without their spouse, for many different reasons, and I always appreciate the faithfulness of those who attend alone. But there's a wholeness about being together when you can.

When Katy and I took Communion, standing in the circle in the center of the church, I felt her presence next to me and realized what a big part of my life she is. I remembered how God has joined us together and made us one. It was a good feeling, a feeling of wholeness.

I hope you'll have that sense also, that the Eucharist is the place where God makes us whole again.

Bill  

The mind of a child

Hi, all!

This week I'm leading the music at Vacation Bible School with my guitar. We're singing fun songs about being thankful, praising God, and the joy of God's creation. It's so much fun to see the children sing out and dance to the music.

Last Saturday at the Barnival I provided face painting for the little kids that came. They chose a design and sat quietly while I carefully dabbed paint on their soft cheeks. So simple, and yet so much fun!

It's been a long time since my sons were little children, and I'd almost forgotten the wonder and joy of children. When children are in a safe atmosphere, surrounded by love, they blossom like flowers. Children remind me how simple and good life is.

We've got a wonderful group of children at Vacation Bible School. As I wander around watching them at games, crafts, and lessons, I see them soaking up the message of God's love. Our teachers and leaders surround them with care and good things, and they respond with joy.

It renews my faith and makes me remember that we are all children of God. If we human beings could only treat each other like the children of God we are, what a better world it would be!

With the wonder of a child, 

Bill   

Norway's tragic loss

July 23, 2011

To my friends,

Today the whole world is grieving with Norway as they deal with the shock from an explosion and many shooting deaths. Apparently one man set off powerful explosives near the Prime Minister's office and then shot dozens of young people who were camping on an island in a lake.

It's hard to comprehend such violence. How could any human being do these things? The trauma is enormous and the loss is extremely painful. We lift up the victims and their families and the whole nation of Norway, asking for God's mercy and healing.

We pray for those who died, that God will receive them into his arms of mercy, and we pray for those who have been injured, asking God for physical healing but also for healing from the mental scarring which will last for many years. And we pray for the families and friends of the victims, as they cope with their shock and loss. 

We remember Jesus' death on a cross, which God redeemed and made into a sign of forgiveness and salvation for all people. Christ died in solidarity with the victims of this tragedy in Norway, and Christ was present with them even in their terror. Christ never leaves us.

I ask your prayers for a world where every human being can live in freedom and peace, and where God's children are secure and protected.

Bill   

Backpacking and God

July 16, 2011

Hi, all! 

On Thursday night, my son, Guy, and I went backpacking in the Olympic Mountains. We hiked a few miles up the lower Quilcene River trail and camped at Bark Shanty camp. It was a short overnight trip, but refreshing to the soul and body. We got tired, sweaty and smoky and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

There's something about hiking in the mountains that renews me. Maybe it's the grandeur of the outdoors, or the challenge of living simply, or communing with one's body. But somehow for me it's a religious experience, too. Being in the mountains makes me feel closer to God.

Many of the stories in the Bible that feature appearances of God are in the wilderness: Moses on the mountain, Elijah in the desert, Jesus in the wilderness. Maybe it's because we're more vulnerable and open to God when we're on our own and stripped of our usual insulation.

Tomorrow's Old Testament lesson is about Jacob's experience of falling asleep exhausted in the desert as he fled from his brother's wrath. He dreamed of a ladder between heaven and earth, with angels ascending and descending, and he heard God's voice promising protection.

We live surrounded by awesome natural beauty. I'm making a special attempt to get out and experience God's presence this summer. I hope you will, too.

Surrounded by beauty ,

Bill   

Candor, grace, and charm

Hi, all! 

I was struck by the news that former first lady Betty Ford died yesterday at the age of 93. She's remembered fondly for her candor and honesty, especially during times of difficulty. 

When she was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a mastectomy, she allowed herself to be photographed in her robe at the hospital. Her candor and openness helped bring breast cancer out into the open and encouraged millions of women to get breast exams.

After she and President Ford left the White House, she entered treatment for her addictions to alcohol and painkillers. She went public about her addictions with her book, "A Glad Awakening." She faced reality with candor, charm, and grace, and helped bring addiction out of the closet.

I admire Betty Ford for her forthrightness, honesty and courage. Those are spiritual qualities, and I would like to live with that kind of character also. I think it's hard to be candid about our lives, especially our challenges and setbacks. Like many people, I tend to keep a "bright shield" up -- a facade of cheerfulness and normality. Betty Ford is an inspiration to me to live with candor and grace.

Peace and all good,

Bill   

This beautiful land

Hi, all! 

On Thursday night my son, Guy, and I kayaked to Blake Island and camped overnight. We launched our kayaks right next to the Southworth ferry terminal, just at high tide. There was a light wind and a brisk chop as we paddled across the bay, about two miles, to Blake Island. It gave my shoulders a good workout. 

We arrived to find a beautiful grassy campsite right on the beach with views of the Kitsap Peninsula and the Olympic Mountains across the water to the west. We set up our tent and basked in the view as we ate supper with the sun going down. We had the place to ourselves. What a gift! 

Blake Island is a state park that sits serenely in the middle of Puget Sound between the Kitsap Peninsula and Seattle. The only way to get there is by boat, and there are no roads or vehicles. It's a forested green gem set in watery blue surroundings.

It reminds me what a beautiful place we live in. At our doorsteps we have tremendous towering forests, snowy peaks, flashing seas, grassy meadows, and flowing rivers. What an abundance of nature's beauty! 

The Prayer Book offers this prayer: "Give us all a reverence for the earth as your own creation, that we may use its resources rightly in the service of others and to your honor and glory."  

As we celebrate the Fourth of July weekend, I hope we'll all enjoy this beautiful country we've been given, and give thanks to God for the beauty and abundance of our land. 

With gratitude,

Bill   

Too much God?

Hi, all!

As a priest in the church, I use the word "God" a lot. I pray in the name of God, preach about God, and bring God up in conversations. I'm expected to talk about God, and I love to talk about God. God this, God that, God all over the place. God, God, God.

But sometimes I wonder if I don't use the word too much. Sometimes it seems like we in the church treat God as a commodity we're trying to package and promote, and maybe even sell. We use the word "God" so much it becomes commonplace and dull. Maybe we overuse the word "God."

After all, isn't God sacred and holy and mysterious? And shouldn't we be more careful in using the holy name? Orthodox Jews are careful to avoid saying God's name because it's too holy, and some people spell it G-d, just so they keep a sense of mystery and awe around the name of God.

One of the things I love about the Eucharist is that it keeps an aura of mystery around God. We chant, pray, break bread, keep silence. We enter the mystery that has no name except the name God told Moses: "I am who I am." 

That's what draws me to the Eucharist. That's what makes our Episcopal worship alive and pulsing with meaning, at least for me. I wonder if you feel the same. I hope so.

See you in G-d's house!

Bill  

The Vicar's Hello 6-16-2011 "Summertime"

Hi, all!

After a long, cold spring season that seemed to last forever, summer has finally come. School is out (mostly), gardens are planted, and people are making plans for summer vacations. I think I hear a collective sigh of relief.

Summer is a sabbath season for many of us. We slow our activities down, find time to spend with family and friends, do outside things, and generally adopt a slower pace of life. I think that's healthy. Even in a difficult economy, most of us can find simple pleasures close to home that nourish us. It's a chance for us to re-connect with God in new ways.

Many of us will be travelling during the summer, taking vacations, visiting family, and generally relaxing. If you're near an Episcopal Church on a Sunday, I hope you'll stop in and worship. Bring back a bulletin so we can see how they worship!

While you're away, we'll keep the rhythm of the church going with Morning Prayer and Eucharist, and when you return, we'll be here for you. The life of the church goes on, and there are always open arms waiting for you at St. Antony's.

In parish news, Bill, Melanie, and Chelsea Reeder are in Fort Benning, Georgia for Chad's graduation from Airborne School. Congratulations!

See you Sunday around the Lord's Table!

Bill  

Dream, dream, dream

I'm a dreamer. 

I guess I always have been. As a child I sat in my school desk and dreamed of great adventures in faraway places. In ninth grade I dreamed in Mr. McLain's Civics class while looking out the window at the squirrels in the treetops. I find it easy to just take off on a daydream of how things might be, could be, should be.

All this dreaming gets me in trouble, of course. How many times have I been yanked back to so-called reality by someone demanding a response from me? And daydreams can get in the way of getting things done, so I have to remember to set my daydreams aside sometimes.

But there's a good side to daydreams, too. How would we have poets and poetry if we didn't have dreamers? How would we have visionary leaders if they didn't dream a little? Think what a dull world it would be if someone didn't dream up new things for us to think about and create.

I find that my relationship with God requires a little daydreaming now and then. "Thy kingdom come", for instance, really gets my imagination going. What does it mean, anyway? And what about prayer? Isn't prayer daydreaming with God, letting your mind freewheel while listening for something from God?

One of the prayers in the Prayer Book asks God to "fill our imaginations" (p. 832). I love thinking how God might fill our imaginations with all kinds of new dreams and new ideas. In the lesson from Actsthis Sunday, it says that old men shall dream dreams. I like that.

I admit that too much daydreaming gets in the way. But I think God calls us to do at least a little daydreaming every day.

Hello from the Vicar 6/3/2011

Our children and young people at St. Antony's were inspirational last Sunday as they led us in worship at the 10:00 Eucharist! Our young ones served as ushers and greeters, read the lessons and the prayers, and served at the altar. What wonderful young people we have!

When I hear the lessons read by a young person, they sound completely new. The freshness of a child's voice awakens something in me. And having our children around the altar, immersed in the words, music, and action of the Eucharist, makes it come alive in a special way.

I'm sure that our children learned a lot from their participation in the Eucharist. They learned that they're full participants, full members in the church, and they have a special place in God's house. It was wonderful to see their faces during the Eucharistic prayer because they were so attentive as they watched the actions at the altar. 

I'm thankful for our young people and for all who teach and care for them, especially Melanie Reeder, who leads our Sunday School, and Charles Smith, Kathy Little, and Mary and Roger Zabinski. We treasure our children!

See you Sunday as we celebrate the Holy Eucharist!

Hello from the Vicar 5/26/2011

This week I'm on vacation, visiting my family in Colorado. I attended the high school graduation of Ben, my brother's son, in Broomfield, and David, my sister's son, in Boulder. Then I drove to southeast Colorado to spend a few days with my mother, and to visit my younger sister who lives nearby.

It feels good to be immersed in my family and catch up on everyone's lives since my last trip. I'm surrounded by the love of my family. I did a few chores around the house for my mother, who is 91 and lives in her own home, and spent some quality time with her.

Every day I've taken long walks and I can feel my body relaxing and getting more healthy as I live more simply. I'm reminded how Jesus took time to get away from the press of demands on him, and he reconnected with himself and with God. 

As we move into summer, I hope you'll have some time to renew yourself with simplicity, quiet, and the love of family and friends. I know it works for me!

I'm looking forward to gathering with you on Sunday as we celebrate the Holy Eucharist with our children and young people leading us in worship.

Sermon 5/1/2011: The twins of doubt and belief

I was asked to put this morning's sermon online.

SERMON

2 Easter A, May 1, 2011 – “Thomas, Faith and Doubt”

It’s interesting that the Gospels have stories of belief, but also stories of doubt. Whenever there is a story of faith, there’s always the possibility of doubt. It’s as if doubt is the twin of belief.  Today’s Gospel is about Thomas who is known as the Twin. The Gospel never identifies Thomas’ twin, but it’s almost as if it’s saying that he is a twin to himself. He has a divided mind – part of him wants to believe, and part of him doubts.

The story begins on Easter evening. The disciples are gathered together in a locked room out of fear when Jesus appears among them. He says, “Peace to you,” and shows them his wounded hands and feet. Thomas, however, is not there, and when he returns, the others say to him, “We have seen the Lord!” But he refused to believe. “Unless I see for myself and touch the wounds myself, I will not believe,” He says.

Ten of the disciples believe, but one does not.

But the following Sunday, a week later, Jesus appears again to the disciples, and this time Thomas is with them. Again he says, “Peace to you.” And he says to Thomas, “Put your finger here and see my hands. Do not doubt but believe.” And Thomas makes one of the most poignant confessions of faith, “My Lord and my God!”

It seems to me that Jesus came again to the disciples not only to convince Thomas, but also to bless his doubt. Jesus seemed to understand that Thomas needed a little more evidence before he could believe, and Jesus gave that evidence.

It seems to me that faith and doubt are mingled together. To have faith means to entertain doubts. If you say that you have no doubts, your faith is probably fairly rigid or superficial.

A lot of us have questions about faith. We wonder, “Why can’t I have more faith? If I have faith, then why doesn’t God hear my prayers? What if it’s just not true? What if the church has pulled a fast one on us? Why do I need the church for my faith? Couldn’t I believe without going to church?

What the Gospel story is saying today, I think, is that doubts are OK.

I don’t know when it was I began to believe. I can point to some moments of clarity and revelation, but I can’t tell you exactly when I really began to believe. I was raised in the church but when I left home for college, I left behind my parents’ faith. I didn’t go to church, I didn’t read the Bible.

 If you asked me what I believed, I probably couldn’t tell you. I was living for the moment, and I believed that experience was more important than abstract ideas or religious blather. I was young and free, so I could do whatever I wanted.

Then I got married and had children. There’s something about being a parent that changes you. I remember walking home from the hospital carrying our firstborn son, and everything looked different to me. Now I had responsibilities. There was a little person in my arms who depended completely on me and Katy, and I realized I wasn’t up to the job. I had no preparation for this. I had no idea what it meant to bring a life into the world.

We began to go to church (Katy was an Episcopalian, so we went to the little Episcopal Church) and it began to work on me. I sang the hymns, I said the creed, I mumbled the prayers. But I didn’t believe yet.

I think it was in the early morning hours when I woke up with a frightening anxiety that I began to cast myself on God and then I started to believe. It wasn’t that I suddenly said, “Now I’m going to believe.” It was more like God crept up on me. After I’d prayed earnestly a few times and searched the Bible for answers and comfort that I actually started to believe. Even then, it wasn’t a line in the sand that I drew and stepped over. It was more like a gradual process, a coming-to-believe.

And there were certainly doubts in the middle of that. When I prayed and found myself feeling foolish like I was speaking to a blank wall, that was doubt. When I wondered if the Church had just made up all its belief systems  for it’s own good, that was doubt. When I pondered the amazing insights of science and how they explain so much of the universe, I doubted whether religion was true.

But somewhere in the process of all that, I began to make a shift to belief. Undoubtedly it was the process of daily prayers, of weekly communion, of habits that began to reinforce the mental structure I was creating. And when I had moments of crisis, those were the determining factor. I had to believe to get myself through the crisis. God became real to me.

I still have doubts. Sometimes I wonder how the resurrection story could be true, and what that even means. I wonder if the church has gotten some things wrong over the centuries – well, I know they’ve gotten some things wrong, and I wonder if that matters.

And now I’ve come to the point where I resonate with the Psychologist Carl Jung who said, “I don’t need to believe in God. I know. I know.”

A story by Dr. Carl Self, a Baptist pastor: There was a pastor who was in his office when a parishioner came in. The man said, “Pastor, I think I’m losing my faith. I may drop out of church.” The pastor said, Listen, I have a hospital visit I have to make in a few minutes. Why don’t you come with me and we’ll talk in the car?” So they drove to the hospital together. When they got to the hospital room, the parishioner stood quietly while the pastor went to the patient, a man in his thirties dying of cancer. The pastor took his hand, listened to him, read some scripture and said a prayer. When he was done, there were tears in the patient’s eyes. All this took less than 15-20 minutes. They got back in the car, and the parishioner said, “I’ve changed my mind. You’ve restored my faith, and I won’t be leaving church.”

Belief isn’t just something that happens in our head. Belief is something that we live out, something that we know deep in our bones. Belief is part of our life, and we can say with Thomas, “My Lord and my God!”

Hello from the Vicar 4/23/2011

Hi, all!

I wrote this Easter blessing for you:

On this day, may Easter light break in on you;

brighten your soul and make your face shine.

May the risen Christ make an appearance in your kitchen

or when walking out the door of your house

or at the touch of someone's hand.

May you see the love of God in every flower,

your child's heart filled with wonder.

May God's hidden beauty burst into your eyesight.

May you be raised! 

Your empty tombs left behind!

May your silences shout for joy!

May every face hold a mystery for you,

and every human being the miracle of the living Christ.

May you leap at the chance for a new start,

and may you be surprised by your own resurrection.

I'm writing this especially aware of the resurrection of Eunice Brodde, our dear friend who died this week, and I'm thinking of her alive with God, free of her wracked body, dancing for joy. Her niece Jamie has asked that we remember her in a memorial service on the afternoon of Sunday, May 15, at Clearbrook Care Center. I'll let you know when the time is set.

I'm also remembering Mary Warner, who died in January, and her artistic soul, now free to enjoy the beauty of heaven.

Happy Easter!

Bill

Hello from the Vicar 04/16/2011

Hi, all!

It’s here. Holy Week. The holiest time of the year. It’s called “Holy Week” because these are the high holy days of the Christian year. The days we walk with Christ through his suffering, death and resurrection. Palm Sunday. Maundy Thursday. Good Friday. Easter Sunday.

I have mixed feelings about Holy Week. On the one hand, it’s uncomfortable. Hearing the passion story on Palm Sunday starts me thinking what it was like for Jesus. When we observe Jesus’ last supper with his disciples on Maundy Thursday, I sense the tension in that room. On Good Friday I imagine the nails going through Jesus hands, and I cringe. Holy Saturday is the grief of the disciples.

But something attracts me to Holy Week as well. After all, this is the heart of the Christian faith. This is what gives the Christian message its deep credibility: Jesus’ love for you and me is poured out on the cross. All the rest of the year, when I receive holy communion, I’m reminded of the events of holy week, and I feel Jesus’ deep love for me. This is important stuff.

This morning (Saturday – I’m a little behind) we had an energetic work party with lots of folks washing, cleaning, trimming, weeding, and making palm crosses. My thanks to Ken Stephens and Loretta McGinley for making this a success.

We have a new name on the list of members of the Armed Forces. Recently a visitor named Petey worshiped with us for two weeks. She said she truly enjoyed her time with us and asked us to pray for her son Russell Vial, who’s in the Navy and is leaving for Iraq as an individual augmentee.

This afternoon I stopped by Clearbrook to see Eunice Brodde. Eunice is recovering from a broken arm and rib and now she’s got pneumonia. I got to meet her twin sister and well as several great-nieces and nephews who had come to visit. Please keep Eunice in your prayers.

Also, please remember Linda Robuck and her mother Kay. Linda and her daughter Kristen drove to central California this week to be with Kay who is near death. In this difficult time, we remember Linda’s family and ask God to give them comfort and strength.

See you tomorrow at church (wait till you see the fantastic palm fans behind the altar!).

Bill